I'm Back!

It has been months since I last posted anything on my blog. Prior to my last post it had been months as well. I guess I was just not feeling creative, had nothing to say...I was in a funk! I know a lot of people had hardships in 2009, we were no exception. We were affected by the usual things in 2009, but for me I found 2009 to be hard for my own personal reasons and I feel like I'm ready to write about it. I also figure, that since I've been such a slacker on my blog, nobody is continuing to follow it anyway, so I might as well use this post to help sort out what has been going on in my head and my heart.

I've heard it said that some years are questions and other years are answers. I feel like 2009 brought up one question after the other. Finally, finally in 2010 I'm beginning to realize many answers to those questions. However, it has been a long hard road, as it usually is, to come to those answers. Many of my questions surfaced through relationships. This is not untypical for me and probably has something to do with why I chose the career that I did. I have to clarify here, that for the most part, Jeff is off the hook. Sure, we had some rough times as he went through the usual struggles of opening a business, working with a partner, establishing a company and being self-employed. Fortunately, through all of these struggles we were able to find our way back to each other and remember that we really do like each other and I would have to say it made us stronger as a couple. I am lucky for him in my life!!

Unfortunately, two of my closest friends, who I met when we moved into this house, decided that they no longer wanted to be friends with me. My feelings about this have spanned the gammut. I have felt embarrassed, heartbroken, overwhelming sadness, anger, and confusion...just to name a few. For me, one of the things that made it so hard was that I don't believe that anything that happened warranted ending a friendship over. I don't think anything was "unforgiveable" and I honestly believed we could get through any difficulties and this would be a lifelong friendship. However, in the end, it was their decision that they could no longer be friends with me because of who I am and how I am. There was a lot of hurtful things said and I wanted to shrink out of sight. I couldn't shrink out of sight though and in pressing forward, I have learned some very valuable lessons. Ones that I want to write down so I will remember.

One of the things I have learned is that in the vast scheme of things, we're not very different. No matter where we come from, our backgrounds, our vast talents and abilities, our life experiences...everything that could potentially make us different, actually brings us together and makes us very much the same. We are all just people striving to do our best in our own little corner of life. We all long to be loved, to give love, to find happiness and to feel safe and secure.

Unfortunately, many of us don't focus on our similarities and instead allow our insecurities to focus on the faults of others or our differences. I have found that through this process it really challenged me to look at who I am and how I am. I don't think I'm perfect and by no means do I think I know everything, but I will say that I know more now about who I am and this process has made who I am even stronger. For the most part, I like who I am and I feel peace about who I am and how I am. I admit I have my failings, my bad days, and my moments of doubt. But through my life and all of my experiences, I have learned to truly accept myself for who I am...the good, the bad, the beautiful and the sometimes ugly and unruly.

This process has also challenged some of my beliefs about relationships and friendships, but at the end it brought me back full circle and re-enforced my beliefs that friendship is priceless, relationships are hard, but worth the effort, and that nothing we can attain in this life is greater than the relationships we create with others. So my hope for this year is to become even more of the kind of person who makes others feel good about who they are and also to surround myself with people who do the same for me. I have wonderful people in my life and to all of you out there who may still be reading my blog....thank-you for your friendship!!

A client of mine shared this poem with me and it very much reflects the struggles, the thoughts and the conclusions that I've come to....

A Moment of Me

At this moment I am just Me, the real me, only me.

Not wishing I were another,
Not pretending I were another.
Not envying another,
Not controlling another.
Not competing with another,
Not hiding behind another.

Facing the demands of me,
Alone,
Unmasked,
Imperfect me.

I am happy in this moment of Me!
--Mindika Nordfelt Thiebaud